The Year of Yes

What is Yes?

2010 is done, and so is this, my Year of Yes.

And I’m asking myself, what does it take to conquer fear? What is strength?

Is it to free oneself from other’s expectations? Your own? Is it to push yourself? Or let yourself go? Is it to run? Or stay? Is it to embrace noise, motion, chaos? Or silence, stillness and peace?

After all that I’ve been through this past year, I still couldn’t tell you for certain. And I’m content to let it remain a work-in-progress. I am content to say that perhaps it’s about finding a satisfying balance of all those things.

This year, I had many public Yes-es: I jumped in the ocean on New Year’s Day. I got a tattoo. Got pretty and did Mortified for the second time. I participated in flash mobs, and even got to lead one. I played a spy. I met my idol. I dyed my hair pink. I was on the radio. Found love and lost it (only to find it again). And as a means to heal my heart and body, I decided to follow a dream and start making music.

There were also many private Yes-es—challenges that touched deeper parts of me—things that could not find expression with words. Those are the things that really moved me forward and shaped me, helped me get a little closer to that person I want to become.

Ultimately, I was able to put much of my fear into perspective and embrace a kind of strength I never knew I possessed. I made new friends and was exposed to a wealth of love and joy that otherwise would have been lost to me if I did not choose to open myself up to it.

I am amazed at the bounty that all this Yes has brought into my life. I lost some things. But I gained others.

Because I risked failure.

Because I risked embarrassment.

Because I risked pain.

Because I risked loss.

Because I risked having everything fall apart, only to find that even it did, I would still be here. The core of me is still strong, still intact. I didn’t know this before. I know it now. And I find tremendous comfort in this.

I find freedom.

I find lightness.

I find Yes.