The Year of Yes

I have a favor to ask.

I need your white light. I need your healing thoughts. I need your Atheist prayers.

Last month, I had my annual pelvic exam and my pap smear results came back abnormal. My doctor called them precancerous changes to the cells.

After he said this, all I heard was a buzzing sound. I’m not going to tell you where my head went, because if you’ve gotten this kind of news, or anything like it, you’ll know exactly where it was.

Adding to my anxiety was a handful of odd gynecological symptoms that I’d been experiencing over the past two cycles. Unusual cramping and bleeding, etc. Then this past week, I started having constant, gnawing pelvic pain that grew in intensity over the course of four days. This did not help the heartache I felt due to recent events, nor was it helped by my lack of sleeping or eating due to said heartache.

Because my OB/GYN and PCP are on vacation, I made an appointment on Friday afternoon with a doctor I’d never seen before. I was immediately grateful for the doctor’s sensitivity and kindness, but that didn’t make the physical exam any more pleasant. As soon as she pressed down on the right side of my abdomen, I yelped. Dammit. It has to be a cyst. This is nothing new, though it’s been several years since my last one. I had forgotten the signs.

So an ultrasound has been scheduled for tomorrow (Monday) morning. Colposcopy was already scheduled for Wednesday morning. I may have a biopsy of my cervix then.

My girl parts, they’re not happy. Neither is the rest of me. Pain—both kinds—steals my appetite. I try to sleep, but as soon as I close my eyes, my mind begins to sort through the sudden, strange end of my relationship. Meanwhile, sitting is uncomfortable. Standing is uncomfortable. Laying down is also uncomfortable, but not as much. Ibuprofen, which I already take by the fistful for my back pain, only sometimes makes a brief dent. Distraction seems to be the best remedy. For everything.

For that, I’m grateful for my friends, especially Ivan and Grace. I’ve decided that now’s the time to make some music, so Ivan accompanied me to purchase the first musical instrument I’ve owned since high school. It’s purple and therefore, instantly awesome. So far, I’m only solid on three chords. Very punk rock.

This is how I’m going to get through this. This is how I’ll keep myself focused. This is how I’m going to heal.

Now I call upon my larger community for support. Any words of wisdom you can impart, any experiences you can share, they are most welcome.

I need it.